


Easier to forget.

by AToZRainToBe



Series: Another Modern/College/University AU [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Astrid is there for like a second but only to cause issues, Background Trent Ikithon, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Caleb Widogast is a Mess, Good Parent Nott (Critical Role), Nott & Caleb Widogast Friendship, Nott is hurting but she doesn’t care cause she needs to take care of her boy, Other, POV Caleb Widogast, Sad Caleb Widogast, Trent Ikithon was an asshole and Caleb has to suffer because of it, cause I love modern/college au’s too much, ever see someone from your past and freak out? Yeah that’s this, excuse me Trent Ikithon is an asshole, look ok Caleb is hurting, this is kind of the college/modern au everyone seems to be doing but I’m gonna hop on the bandwagon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:33:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23077099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AToZRainToBe/pseuds/AToZRainToBe
Summary: “The scream knocks him out of it. He stumbles, and then he is Caleb, standing in front of Nott, hand extended and- and he burnt her. He freezes at the sight of burning flesh, of Nott clutching her arms, the ones she’d put up to defend herself.He can’t breathe.He can’t.He doesn’t deserve to breathe.”Or: I vent (yet again) through an M9 character and this time it’s Caleb
Relationships: Nott & Caleb Widogast
Series: Another Modern/College/University AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1658548
Comments: 10
Kudos: 74





	Easier to forget.

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Someone gets kinda hurt but it’s not graphic I swear

The day has been twice as long as the week, and more than enough stress for Caleb. Even if those facts are inaccurate, that’s the feel of it, and Caleb can’t deny that it’s draining to feel that way.

Especially because it impacted most of his productivity. 

Molly had been fun- albeit that he was acting a little overzealous. Despite that, he was a joy to have around. Helping Jester was usually a joy too, but today it seemed like they hadn’t even passed the usual basics. On top of that, he’d lost Nott on Campus and spent half an hour looking for her in the dark. Now, he was trudging the way back, with Nott nowhere to be found. 

He hoped she had made it back, but was far too tired to care.

He saw her before he could tell it was her. Astrid, her walk familiar and yet disorienting, coming towards him. His hand reached for the scars. His breathing caught in his throat. And yet, she continued like she hadn’t startled a man half out of his mind. 

Caleb couldn’t breathe, And he stopped to lett it catch up with him- but it never did. Astrid passed him like he was nothing. She didn’t even note what he looked like, but Caleb stood there until she vanished from his sight. Did She forget him?

And then he ran. 

Reaching his and Nott’s somewhat-home, he couldn’t bring himself to turn the lights on. He dropped his coat, and sagged down, head in his hands. Hands on his face. Hands in his hair, on the back of his neck, scratching and scratching. He was foolish to think she didn’t still go to the academy. The school was down the road from where he worked, the connections so unbearable and close. 

He didn’t know how long he sat there, in the dark. At some point, Nott came home. 

“Caleb,” She says, seeing fine in the dark. But Caleb is too focused on how difficult it is to breathe. His mind fixated on how suffocating it feels, how the lick of fire brushed over his fingertips. How his scars burn. “Caleb.”

It wasn’t his name. His name was Bren, his name was Bren, and he could be so much more than this. His orders were to burn them. Flashes of it run through his mind, but they are orders, and his ears ring with the sounds of his own screams. They’re so distant and yet so familiar. And he knew, he knew he would burn them- 

He would burn whatever coward had fallen before him with their tears in their eyes and- and the blunt, jagged tooth mouth, and the green skin, and they were speaking but he couldn’t hear it- he couldn’t understand why he didnt want this, why he felt sad, why he seemed to gain no satisfaction from this- and they were yelling st him now but he didn’t know what they were saying, they were saying something snd he knew he should listen, but he couldn't- the fire was on his hands, and he could hear the proud tone in his mentor’s voice, he could- 

They were still speaking but he didn’t understand, it wasn’t Zemnian. They were speaking but he wasn’t able to hear them. He was focusing too much on the magical burn of the fire against his palm as he pointed it towards them. Towards them, towards whoever it was, following orders. Following orders. Following after his teacher, doing exactly what he should do, following the only orders he knew. Light them up.

The scream knocks him out of it. He stumbles, and then he is Caleb, standing in front of Nott, hand extended and- and he burnt her. He freezes at the sight of burning flesh, of Nott clutching her arms, the ones she’d put up to defend herself. 

He can’t breathe. 

He can’t. 

He doesn’t deserve to breathe. 

Nott shivers, her arms blistering and sore, curled in on herself. But the moment Caleb stops, she’s up and looking him over. “Caleb, are you okay?” She asks, eyes fraught with worry. 

He doesn’t deserve her worry. 

She doesn’t wait for his response before leading him to the couch, sitting him down despite the pain it brings her. She must think him devoid of consciousness, she must think him somewhere else. But he’s all too aware of her touch, the reassurance in her voice, the way her eyes brush over him to check for wounds. 

Then, she wets her bandages. He can’t stand to see her leave the room, he doesn’t know if she’ll come back. He’s selfish- so selfish- to think that he doesn’t want her to leave. She has every right to, and yet she doesn’t even seem to consider it. He watches her turn the kitchen lights on, making sure to keep one eye on him and one eye on her bandages as she wets them. 

He doesn’t move. He doesn’t know how, but he wishes he could. He wishes he knew how to move so he could wet the bandages for her, so he could help her and not be so useless. And yet she makes no move to push him, lets him sit down and watch her. 

She wraps the damp bandages around her arms, sitting cross-legged next to him. He’s sunk into the couch, eyes on her, but head facing forwards. She doesn’t seem to mind, finishing the bandages with knots she ties with one hand and her mouth. 

“Caleb,” She says, voice soft, once she’s finished. “This wasn’t your fault.”

He wants to protest, but his voice has left him. And even thought he hears himself make a grunt of disapproval, it doesn’t feel like him. It feels like someone foreign to him. 

“I know you disagree, a-and I would too, if this were me,” Nott’s eyes aren’t meeting his. They’re watching his hands, brushing over his cloak. “But it wasn’t. I know it wasn’t. I know that you would never hurt me, a-and I would never hurt you.”

She sounds so soft. She sounds so small. 

“So… so I’m going to stay, right here,” She nods, determined. Caleb wants to smile, but he can’t feel his jaw. He can’t feel anything. “Until you’re better. And, and I promise you, I won’t tell the others. Not even Molly or Beau. Or Jester.”

“I love you,” She finishes, smiling in a way that’s too soft for Caleb to deserve. Her jagged goblin teeth catch the light for a second before she tucks them away. “So much.”

Caleb doesn’t feel like himself, doesn’t feel like he deserves those words. Her voice was comforting, and grounding, but not enough to pull him from his stupor. He can hardly feel the need to breathe, but it follows him like a repeating rhythm he can’t forget. It’s comforting. 

Like Nott’s own breath, next to him, and soon after the steady warmth. He knows she’s asleep, even with his eyes forward, because she’d never be leaning against him now if she wasn’t. And the room gets darker, so the sun must have gone down, even if he still can’t force himself to move. 

His stomach rumbles. He doesn’t do anything about it, despite the pressing need to eat. He doesn’t have the energy to cook, and he doesn’t have the energy to do much. 

Nott wakes up, around the time when Caleb notes he can hear a drunken fight outside. She shuffles away from him, yawning, and then slips down. “I’m not leaving,” She says, to no one but him, and even he doesn’t immediately register it’s for him. “Just getting food. You should eat too.”

When she returns, she has two bowls of noodles and a bottle of water. “Here,” She places the bowl on his lap and starts on her own. “You don’t have to eat, but you might want to. Even if it takes you a while, Caleb, it’s worth it.”

Caleb knows the smell. It’s the cheap packets she insisted on him buying the last time they went to the shop. He’d refuted, saying it was unhealthy and somewhat pricy, but she said it would come in use. Well, look at them now- it had. 

His hands move even if they aren’t his own. The movements are slow, sluggish, unlike his own. They move like he breathes- laboured and unthinking. 

He doesn’t realise exactly how hungry he is until he has a fork of noodles in his mouth and he’s slow to chew them. He wants to eat faster, to finish the meal and offer to take the plates back, but he can’t find it in him to care enough. So he keeps a slow, steady pace of eating, and lets Nott watch him do so once she’s finished hers. 

When the bowl is empty, he puts the fork down, and- he can’t remember thinking of speaking, but his mouth moves on it’s own; “Danke. Die Essen- The food was good. Danke.”

It’s not much. He pushes himself to offer to take the dishes back, but his mouth stays glued shut from the effort of those words. Nott smiles regardless, sleepy and content. She doesn’t say anything back, but takes his bowl from him and slips into the kitchen, putting them in the sink for later. 

“I brought water, too,” She motions to the drink on the ground next to him. “I-if you need it. I didn’t- I don’t know when last you drank, and- and I made sure it wasn’t alcoholic!”

Caleb appreciates the gesture, even if the small smile he tries to give takes more effort than usual. Nott is too good too him, fidgeting with her (wet again, he notes) bandages and sitting next to him. She doesn’t expect him to do anything more than sit there. 

He wants to thank her. 

He can’t. 

His whole body feels heavy. He can’t stifle it, so he lets out a yawn, and his shoulders lower with tiredness. But he won’t go to bed, because then he’d miss Nott next to him, and she might run away. He wouldn’t know what to do if she ran away. 

Nott watches him, eyes aware of his every move. He does nothing. The bottle of water feels far too heavy in his hands, his fingers laced around the handle of it, sharing the weight. If his muscles were any heavier, he might be on the ground. His mind offers nothing but the single image of Astrid’s face, and he wants to tell Nott what happened, but- 

But it’s all too much effort. 

Too much effort.

His mind swirls with the occasional Zemnian thought. He can’t focus on them long enough to listen to them, the silence in his mind is suffocating the voice out of him. His mouth feels stuffed with cotton the weight of bricks. His lips feel glued together. 

“Caleb, I- I don’t mean to- to make you uncomfortable, or rush you,” Nott says, eyes still watching. “But- but we might want to get to bed. For the night.”

Caleb doesn’t want to move, but he should. He forces himself to blink, long and slow, and turn to face her. It’s so tiring, so much effort, but it’s worth the smile he gets from her. She’s proud, even if she won’t say it. He doesn’t want to move, in fact, he’d rather do anything other than that. 

Nott seems to understand to some degree. She scurries off and comes back with blankets too heavy and thick for her to carry in her own. She puts the blankets down, and motions for him to lie down. With the movement of a giant, he does as told. His legs hang off the side of the couch and his head rests on the arm rest. 

She props his head up with a cushion, and spreads the blankets over him. He wonders for a moment, when he’s staring straight ahead, if she’ll join him. If he’s scared her off. It’s selfish, he thinks, but even hating himself feels like too much effort. Being selfish has always been easier.

So he selfishly wishes he could have her, only for now, only to know she’s safe for the night. Only to protect her. It’s dark and the lights from the kitchen are the only source of light. Nott gives everything a yuck wash and stacks them, Caleb lying down and wishing he could help. It should be the least he can do. 

But it’s warm, and comforting, and easier to lie down. Caleb does that instead. He lies there, mind blank, eyes forward- until Nott jumps up, grappling the blanket for security. “Uh- I- I thought you might want. Company.” 

Caleb finds it easier to smile than it is to frown at her. Nott takes that as a welcome, and weasels her way into the he space between his body and the couch. She stays between his arm and his torso, into his armpit. She hurried into there, head rested on his chest and hair brushing over his neck and shoulder. He can feel her breath brush over his body. 

It’s easier to shut his eyes once he knows she’s asleep. It’s easier to drift off, knowing she’s there, than it would be alone. And it’s easier to put this behind them than it is to talk about it. So when he wakes up and finds her bandages swapped for the coverage of a loose-armed hoodie, he doesn’t mention the burns she must have on her arms.

And it’s easier for them to forget, so they do.

**Author's Note:**

> Hit me up on insta I’m @i_am_rain_1 and I need story ideas so feel free to message me there or something. Again I don’t have a tumblr :/
> 
> And yes I do know this has been done many times and by better writers I just have the desperate need to also write it so I feel valid 
> 
> Someone help the M9 have too many characters I can vent through!! Just you wait till I get to Beau and her pining for every cool woman she meets cause that’ll be a doozy 
> 
> Also there will definitely be more on this soon


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